Between dreams and dreams.

I know I said I would try avoiding going for the blog-title-song-title thing but not today. 

Well world, I’d be lying if I said that everything isn’t just a downward spiral.

Hi. To give y’all a glimpse; I’m best friends with someone who I like because they’re already attached, I think I’m losing one of my closest friends, financially fucked as always, I can’t seem to focus on anything when I try to get some studying done, my phone is fucking up even more and to top it all of; trials is on Monday. 3 weeks after that; A2. Oh, did I mention about the crater size tumour-like entity that happens to reside on my chin? Yeah. That too.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I need a moment. A breather. A….something. Everything is just crashing down and the worst part is that my stupid self defense mechanism kicked in and I’ve been numb to almost everything since. This isn’t normal, I should be feeling something. Fear, panic; anything. Me not feeling anything is what adds to this to be honest because I’m just floating along, thinking it’s just another day. But it isn’t. It really goddamn isn’t and I hate this so much.

I feel broken in the sense of the numbness. I feel hopeless in the sense of the friendship thing. Almost seems as if I’m King Midas with a twist of misfortune; instead of everything turning into gold, my touch just turns everything bad.

The only good thing that has happened recently is me discovering this band called We Hate JH, which has got to be one of my fave math rock/alternative rock indie Korean bands. I’m sat here in my college library, typing away as fast as I can and with tears threatening to spill because this music is so calming but also just making me break.
I guess it’s kind of like how you feel when you go to a religious place after ages and you feel so guilty about everything you’ve done before and how you’ve neglected coming and you just end up crying so hard even though nothing is actually happening. Something about that comfort just makes you lose it; I don’t know how or why but it just does.

I’m not usually one for ranty posts. I tend to internalize… then regret it later on in life. But hey, new things I guess. I don’t know why but my instincts just told me to write about it and so here I am. Let’s hope that things get better and that I’ll actually write about that when it does happen.

 

 

 

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