It was a rather horrible realisation, but one nevertheless.
I was in the shower the other day and it just randomly occurred to me how I’ve only ever felt pride for others. The kind of pride where your chest is surging with it, tears have somehow formed in your eyes and you’re smiling so hard because you don’t fucking care, you’re just so happy and so goddamn proud. I’ve felt this on numerous occasions, and it only recently struck me that it was always, always, always for other people. Not that this was a bad thing, of course. Everyone deserved it so much, and I was so so so so happy they got it.
I’ve never been proud of myself for anything. Never to that extent, not to the point I know I can pat myself on the back and say, “You did well.” Gonna stray for a little bit here but I honestly think that’s such a kind thing to say? Like… we’re all struggling so much in our own ways, fighting wars that no one even knows about and yet for someone who’s a complete stranger to your internal battles to acknowledge your fight…is just…. wow.
Anyway, I mentioned somewhere in a previous post about how proud I was about my friends for AS. I think I remember saying “I hope come A2, I’ll be able to be proud of me too” or something. Well, I wasn’t. Not nearly as much as I was for my friends. Of course, they did do better than me so I guess that was partly the reason for the pride.
I think I can never be proud of myself. Of course, I do know I do not struggle enough. It shows particularly in my studies; always the one ‘full of potential’ but ‘never quite there yet.’ But there are certain cases where I do try my best, and it’s usually in things that I have a passion for. I mean, who wouldn’t when they believe and genuinely love what they’re doing? I have such fervor for certain things. Things like photography, writing, playlist crafting or graphic making… but I have never been proud enough of what I’ve made because it has never reached a point of being worthy.
Of course, I do these things because I want to and because I love them, but sometimes, it just really gets to you. And it is exactly times like these when I wonder, what am I doing that everyone else isn’t? What is it that I lack that others somehow always seem to have, sometimes even effortlessly? For the longest of time, I always thought it was because I never did try hard enough or put in any actual effort but…
Maybe it’s just time to accept that I will always be less than average.
Not good enough.