Sniffing Vicodin In Paris. 

 

I decided to give this a thing a try, where I attempt to sum up every month in a blog form. It’s more of a release if anything, and it’s probably something I need.

Hi. It’s been quite a while.

April was an interesting month. I moved out and found myself in the city once more. However, it’s a brand new adventure as I am not in KL per say. For the next three years, PJ will be my home. It was something new to get used to, as even the streets were completely foreign to me. Despite living in KL for a year and a half, I never did do much exploring. Well, I did practically live at Changkat the first few months I was here but let’s not get into that. So yes, living in a different part of the city was a brand new adventure for this small town gal. I look forward to all of the new memories and eventual nostalgia that will form from this city.

It’s strange. You’d think that being in a brand new city, exploring would be the first thing on my list. It kind of was, actually. That and all sorts of plans. Yet, I couldn’t seem to escape the four walls of my bedroom.

The first few weeks were the toughest for me, mentally. I guess when dealing with such issues, the mind doesn’t cope that well. News of finding a new home came out of the blue, and the next thing I knew I was signing tenancy agreements. I was already in an absolutely awful state in back home, and I guess that didn’t change despite moving. Despite being a spontaneous soul, the sudden–albeit, good–change was perhaps a bit too much for me, in a way that I never predicted. I guess mentally, I couldn’t quite cope with how quickly change happened. How I made sense of it was that my mind and I were in two different places. Initially, we were both residents of Not Okay Land. But then I moved to Okayville, but my mind didn’t quite budge or receive the eviction notice. So, that was pretty much a really horrible few weeks for me.

It got reasonably bad. Bad enough that I seriously considered suicide. Not even the usual casual kind of, “hey, maybe I should just kill myself” kinda thoughts but the odd, incredibly calm ones that are perfectly rational. The kind that honestly terrified me because of how fucking calm it was. In that moment, everything just kind of made sense. It scared me how much sense it made. How everything just seemed so…. right. So perfectly fine.

I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It felt too much to be able to reach out to the world, like everyone else was just somehow too far way and out of reach. Like I was in a completely different world from everyone else. It went on for a good while, until suprisingly I came across this one piece of fanfiction.

I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, “what the fuck?” right now. I don’t blame you, but trust me when I say it’s not like that.

The protagonist of this story had severe anxiety and in fact, his disorder was so bad it actually made him experience something similar to PTSD on bad days. He was heavily depressed and had shared a scarily similar thought process like I did. The only difference between us that I realised, was that he didn’t want to fight against it. He just embraced it, curled up in a corner and waited to die. It was pretty much what woke me up from that dreary state I was trapped in, that I’ve been fighting my entire life. It got hard—incredibly hard at times, yes–but I never did stop fighting. Every damn day was a battle and I took it head on because I knew I had to. The protagonist didn’t feel the same way though, and ended up attempting suicide. It didn’t work, as people found out about it and ran to his safety, but he was already in a pretty shape by the time the ambulance pulled up. What really got to me was that after waking up from a coma and realising how his plan failed, the protagonist learns to try again. Seeing that character do what he did was sobering, and I was glad I came across it at such a time. Oh and unfortunately, I did not enjoy the ending of that story. The way the characters were written though–absolutely wonderful. It had good flow and whatnot, just not an ending that I was expecting, nor did I like.

April was pretty much dark clouds with days and days of rain. May, however, had promise of sunshine.

I spent the first day of the month over at a stranger’s house, as dodgy as that sounds. An invite to a sleepover with a bunch of new friends came my way, and I took up the offer immediately. I knew I could use the change of scenery–I just really needed to fucking leave my room–but also because I needed the human interaction, as sad as that sounds. It was a wise decision, as that day was one of the best I’ve ever had since moving here. It turned out to be a birthday sleepover for one of the girls–which consisted of watching movies and TV shows on Netflix while splayed on the sofa and pretty much all over the hall of the living room while chomping on extra large slices of pizza, and chattering away about juicy stories. It was such an amazing experience, being around strangers that eventually turned into your friends. It sounds silly but the truth is that I forgot what it was like. Funnily enough. MCKL really was quite a while ago. And so, this odd bunch really were my first new friends moving into this city.  What truly touched me was how easily they accepted me into their circle, these girls who’ve been friends for years, and especially how they invited me into their home. The kindness of others will always continue to move me, and will always be greatly appreciated. The night ended with laughs, remnants of Beanboozle, snapshots from a Fujifilm instant camera, and Stranger Things playing while most of us caved into the fatigue that was lulling us into sleep.

The next morning, I returned to my four walls with a far lighter heart. The previous night was exactly just what I needed; that positive kick of energy that had elevated me into a version of myself that I was far more familiar with. That day was an exciting one, as I got myself a job at a cafe nearby where I lived. With that on my plate, I am now so occupied with responsibility. I find myself constantly accepting more work hours and more tasks, simply to keep myself occupied. It may seem dumb to be overloading my system with work but if it keeps me distracted from sinking back into my crippling state of mind, I’ll take it. At least this way, I’m getting some dolla out of it. So yes, I find the days going by incredibly fast now that I am working. It’s only my second week at the cafe and yet I feel quite accustomed to it already.

I also recently found out that NCT127 is coming to Malaysia for a free concert with Red Velvet this month! I pretty much lost it at work when I saw the poster, both because it was NCT127 and because it was free. They aren’t in my Holy Trinity of Kpop groups per say, but damn–they’re close. I must say, I think I am honestly an SM girl at heart. Either that or Johnny just absolutely swept me off my feet–boots and all. The thought of actually seeing them live, performing in front of me, is just so mad to even fathom! Especially since I’ve had their album on like loop for the first month it got released, every morning it was almost a need for me to play it. I participated in a contest for passes to the concert so hopefully, I’ll hear good news soon. Concerts asides, I’ve also got a couple of interviews coming up this month. They both could improve my life in a major fashion, so naturally, whenever they come to thought I feel both panic and excitement rising within me simultaneously. Take it from me, it’s not a pleasant feeling.

So far May indeed holds much promise. How I feel about all of this is much like a slight, mild nudge that things are slowly getting better. Kind of like a reassuring little tease that I should stick around and see what happens next. It’s also low-key horrifying to think that it is almost Gemini season. No, not because of the Geminis themselves (although one should always be wary) but simply because it also means that Cancer season is right around the corner. Aka that my days of being a nineteen year old are shortening as I speak. This happens every fucking year, but I never seem to get used to the fear of accepting the age I am turning into. Ah well, that’s a discussion for another month.

I just really hope that it all works out for me, in general. Not just in terms of accepting that I am growing up–no matter how reluctant I am–but also in terms of working and even the Kpop concert.

Oh, and of course, the context for the blog post’s title. I discovered Blackbear, and it genuinely surprised me. I knew him when he was Mat Musto on PureVolume, and he used to only make acoustic songs. Hell, I remember when he used to reply to me on Twitter sometimes in 2010 or so. The next thing I knew, he changed his stage name and started collaborating with Justin Bieber. I never really caught up with him until now, and damn, I’m loving his new sound. It’s so crazy how much people can change within time though! I’m really proud of him and how far he’s come. It’s truly amazing, to be honest. Anyway, this song–in particular–stood out to me. I’m not quite sure how to articulate it (once again, the #cancerfeels strike) but there’s just something about the unintelligible chanting(?) that really get to me. Somehow, it just stirs something up in me. Something… incredibly sad. I’m not too sure why, but when paired with the music, I’m absolutely just gone. It’s funny though because if you were to listen to the song incredibly closely, you’d hear how the piano paired with the backing synth or whatnot–is actually surprisingly messy and doesn’t quite flow as smoothly. Yet if you were to ignore overanalysing it, it just goes so well. Anyway, my lit student ass is going to shut up and not make this a metaphor for something.

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